i like this post.

the black window

Why do we ask victims Why do you stayWhy don’t we ask abusers why do you abuse? 

Anti-violence advocates frequently engage in this dialogue. I understand why, as I’ve asked the questions myself.  We don’t want to victim-blame.  We sometimes want to focus our frustration at the people who actually do the hurting.

Yet, had no one ever asked why do you stay we would not have any understanding of the reasons and complications that make it hard or impossible to leave an abusive situation.  Much as I would advocate that we should very definitely ask abusers why do you abuse, I think we should ask the question. Of course, it should be a fact-finding mission, not one set up to incite blame or pressure.

What this means is that we really need to listen to people who report violence. We need to be present, focused, and…

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